Is It Really “Gaslighting”?
A clear, compassionate guide for identifying confusion from manipulation
When people say they’re being “gaslighted,” they often describe feeling confused, uncertain, or emotionally destabilized in a relationship. Yet not all confusion equals manipulation. In this piece, we’ll clarify what gaslighting truly is, what it isn’t, and how to trust your own eyes, gut, and sense of self again.
Where the Term Comes From
The word “gaslighting” originates from a 1944 film, Gaslight, in which a husband manipulates his wife into doubting her own reality. The lights in their home literally dim—yet when she notices, he insists she’s imagining it.
Today, “gaslighting” describes a pattern of deliberate psychological manipulation that causes a person to question their memory, perception, or sanity.
Gaslighting is not a single disagreement. It’s a repeated dynamic built on a power imbalance—involving status, money, emotional leverage, or control. The goal is not resolution but destabilization and dependence.
Typical behaviors include:
Denying or rewriting events that clearly happened
Minimizing feelings (“You’re too sensitive”)
Mocking emotional stability
Withholding key information
Recruiting others to “prove” you wrong
The result: increasing self-doubt and disorientation.
What Gaslighting Feels Like
From the inside, gaslighting is confusing and exhausting.
You might:
Apologize constantly without knowing why
Save screenshots or notes “just in case”
Feel tense, with a tight chest or racing thoughts
Have trouble sleeping or making decisions
The nervous system goes into survival mode. The gaslighter’s goal is for you to second-guess your reality—and rely on theirs.
What Gaslighting Is Not
Keeping the term specific makes it more useful.
Gaslighting is not:
Two people remembering something differently under stress
A genuine memory lapse
A calm discussion comparing evidence (reality checking)
A boundary (“I won’t continue if there’s yelling; let’s talk tomorrow”)
Changing your opinion after new information
Even mental health symptoms that affect memory—such as trauma or ADHD—are not gaslighting. They deserve care and context, not blame.
A Quick Way to Tell the Difference
Ask yourself:
Is there a pattern, or was this a single incident?
Does the other person hold power that makes it hard for you to push back?
After interacting, do you feel clearer or more confused?
When you present facts, are they welcomed or deflected?
When mistakes happen, do they repair or deny accountability?
If you notice confusion, power imbalance, and no repair—it’s worth taking seriously.
Examples
Gaslighting:
You: “You said you’d pick me up at 6.”
Partner: “I never said that.”
You show the text.
Partner: “You must have edited that. You’re not well.”
This includes denial of evidence, an attack on your sanity, and no repair.
Not Gaslighting (Conflict + Repair):
You: “You said 6.”
Partner: “I thought I said 6:30—let’s check.”
You compare texts.
Partner: “You’re right. I’m sorry; I’ll set a reminder next time.”
Here, there’s disagreement, evidence, ownership, and repair—hallmarks of healthy communication.
What to Do If You Suspect Gaslighting
Start with your nervous system.
Feel your feet on the floor. Lengthen your exhale. Orient to the present moment.Anchor to what’s verifiable.
Check dates, times, screenshots, calendars, or brief notes.Name the process, not the person.
Say: “I’m noticing a mismatch between what I experienced and what I’m hearing.”Set a limit.
“If the insults continue, I’m going to pause this and revisit tomorrow.”Write it down.
Journaling clarifies patterns and helps your mind and body reconnect.
When to Be Especially Careful
Gaslighting plus control is a red flag.
Be alert if someone:
Monitors your phone or location
Controls money or restricts social contact
Retaliates when you set limits
Threatens, intimidates, or damages property
These are signs of coercive control. Safety planning and outside support are essential.
If you are in immediate danger, contact emergency services or a trusted local resource.
Why the Word Gets Overused
“Gaslighting” became popular because it names a painful experience that many people recognize. The risk is that it’s now used to describe every misunderstanding or disagreement.
When everything is labeled “gaslighting,” real patterns of abuse may get overlooked, and everyday conflict loses the chance for repair.
Keeping the term specific helps ensure that people get the right kind of help—from couples therapy to trauma-informed support to safety planning.
A Simple Way to Keep Notes
Open your notes app and jot three short lines:
What I experienced: stick to facts (“They arrived at 6:45”)
What I was told happened: (“You said 5”)
Evidence / next step: (“Check calendar; compare texts”)
Then ask yourself:
Do I feel clearer or more confused?
Did the other person join me in checking facts?
Is this a one-time mix-up or a repeating pattern?
Returning to Yourself
You deserve relationships where your perceptions are respected—even when someone disagrees. Feeling “too sensitive” often means your system is signaling a need for steadiness and support. With awareness, grounding, and healthy distance when needed, you can reconnect to your clarity, trust your inner knowing, and come back home to yourself.
