What Is Secure Attachment, Really? Understanding Attachment Styles and the Path to Relational Healing
The term “secure attachment” is often mentioned in podcasts, on social media, and discussed in therapy. However, many people are unsure what it really feels like in daily life and how to determine their own attachment style.
In this blog, I will explore the four main attachment styles, how they manifest in relationships, and what a secure attachment looks and feels like—not as a perfect destination, but as a lived, embodied experience to aim for and grow into.
What Are Attachment Styles and Why Do They Matter?
Attachment theory, developed by John Bowlby and further developed by Mary Ainsworth, refers to the emotional bond formed between an individual and their primary caregivers in early life. These early relationships shape how people connect, communicate, and feel safe (or not) in close relationships later in life.
It is important to know that attachment is not set in stone. It is adaptive, and with awareness, support, knowledge, and healing, people can move toward more secure and fulfilling relationships.
The Four Attachment Styles
Secure Attachment
Individuals who are securely attached generally feel safe being close to others and trusting them. They are able to express their needs, respect boundaries, and manage their emotions effectively. They know that their worth is not dependent on constant validation, and they are able to be present without over-functioning or disappearing.
Secure attachment looks like:
Communicating needs calmly
Trusting that others can show up
Feeling okay being alone or together
Setting boundaries without guilt
Regulating emotions without shutting down or lashing out
Secure attachment can feel like: safety, stability, clarity, and mutual respect.
Anxious Attachment
The Anxious Attachment style often stems from inconsistent caregiving. Individuals often crave closeness but worry about abandonment, which can lead to hypervigilance and excessive worry about their relationships.
Anxious attachment may look like:
Needing frequent reassurance
Difficulty trusting a partner’s love
Overanalyzing texts or tone
Feeling anxious when not in contact
Anxious Attachment can feel like: fearing rejection, seeking external validation for self-worth, and “walking on eggshells.”
Avoidant Attachment
Avoidant attachment can develop when the need for closeness is met with rejection or overwhelm. These individuals often prioritize independence over intimacy and may struggle to express their feelings or needs.
Avoidant attachment may look like:
Pulling away when things get intimate
Minimizing emotional needs
Feeling smothered by closeness
Believing they can only rely on themselves
Avoidant Attachment can feel like: emotional distance, disconnection, and a fear of vulnerability.
Disorganized (Fearful-Avoidant) Attachment
This style often emerges from trauma or abuse. It is a mix of both anxious and avoidant tendencies, wanting closeness but fearing it at the same time.
Disorganized attachment may look like:
Pushing people away, then pulling them close
Intense fear of abandonment and betrayal
Difficulty trusting, even when someone is safe
Confusion about their own needs
Disorganized attachment can feel like: internal chaos, mistrust, and emotional overwhelm.
Secure Attachment in Everyday Life
Secure attachment is a sense of emotional safety that is felt both within oneself and in relation to others. (People with a secure attachment style can still feel anxious and worry about their relationship.)
Secure attachment may look like:
Trusting that disagreement does not mean disconnection.
Communicating calmly, even during conflict.
Trusting your own emotions, needs, and instincts.
Having healthy boundaries and the ability to say no without guilt and yes without fear of engulfment.
Being attuned and able to notice and respond to the emotional cues of others, and allowing them to reciprocate.
Resilience, recognizing that rupture in a relationship does not have to destroy it, because repair is possible and expected.
Secure attachment can feel relationally grounded and trusting, allowing you to show up as your full self, knowing you will still be loved and accepted. Securely attached individuals know where they end and others begin, and are not afraid of either intimacy or independence.
The good news? Attachment styles are fluid, not fixed. With therapeutic support, self-awareness, and consistent nurturing relationships, many individuals develop secure attachments. Secure attachments are not just for the lucky few who had ‘perfect’ childhoods. Secure attachments can be intentionally cultivated over time.
